European Boys Don't Like Me.

As hard as I tried, I could not get a single European guy to pay attention to me the entire time we were away. I even dyed my hair blonde  so I would fit in, but that plan, unfortunately, backfired. 

I got hit on exactly three times during the week we were away:

This man had ZERO interest in me, even though we have the same hair.

1. While stuffing my face with a 7/11 croissant outside of the Copenhagen train station, a Dunkin Donuts employee chased
after me to ask for my phone number. I watched him rip off his D+D purple uniform polo as he ran toward Alix and I, but forgot to take off his company-issued visor. We were leaving that night, otherwise I probably would have given it to him.

2. Sitting at a bar in Shoreditch, London (the European equivalent of Brooklyn) and Albanian man who appeared to be tweaking on meth came up to me and told me he was a man of the world and could speak 6 languages. He was unable to name a single one of the languages

3. On our last night in Europe, a hot Norwegian guy sat at our table and proceeded to tell me how beautiful I was in Norwegian (he may also have been saying something rude or disgusting, but after  a week of ZERO male attention, I was more than willing to accept his translation). Things were going great until he launched into a 45 minute history lesson about how the plot of the show Vikings was based on he and his dad. The whole thing became more than I could handle, and I opted to excuse myself before getting my European make out.

My friend Alix, on the other hand, was the most popular girl on the continent. The Danish boys LOVED her (her dye job is, in fairness, a lot better than mine) and everywhere we went, they couldn't get enough.

In fact, the first night we were in Copenhagen, she got a guy to drop the L Bomb.

We went to "Boy Band" night (which, it turns out, was actually Gay night– not NSYNC vs. Backstreet boys night as we had assumed) at our favorite 80's club, NIGHT FEVER. Upon entering the club, I was taking a picture of Charlotte and Alix under the light up rubix cube (naturally), and an adorable Danish guy hopped in the photo.

"I have a girlfriend," he said, "but I have six cute single friends downstairs who would be perfect for you girls– come sit at our table."

Ummm.... Yes.

We followed him to the table of cute boys,which was covered in 400 bottles of Tuborg– instead of getting "bottle service," they got "bottle of beer service" and it was clear right away that they all  only had eyes for Alix. My jokes were all falling so, so flat (#doesnttranslate) and between that and the bad hair there was no hope for me.

Bottles, Models and a boy who did NOT like me.

1 Million beers and a few tequila shots later, the group of boys was showing us the matching tattoos they have on their asses and twirling Alix around on the dancefloor by her Danish bun (if you look at the NIGHT FEVER Facebook page, you can see a crowd of smitten boys dancing a circle around her....)

Me and Alix's boyfriend's butt tattoo.

Needless to say, as the night wore on, so too did all talk of the Danish boy's "girlfriend" (whom he apparently lived with??) 

Charlotte and I came out of the bathroom to him telling Alix he loved her begging her to come home with him (to his girlfriend's house??), to which she offered a polite "fuck, no." 

He continued to text and facebook message her throughout the trip, up until the very end when he asked if he could come to the airport hotel at 6am before her flight back to Boston– the whole thing was very romantic.

Those emojis tho...

Also, full disclosure– the Dunkin Donuts mayyyy have been talking to Alix. The Albanian too.