Halloween: A Retrospective

I am terrible at Halloween. My costumes are never funny, my hair is somehow always a MESS, and  I usually drink too many weird jello shots to actually care. I have, however, gotten back together with ex-boyfriends 3 of the last 4 Halloweens, so I guess I'm doing something right. Here's a look at some of my bestworst halloween costumes throughout the years.

1. Senior year of high school, my friends and I all dressed up as a hockey player in our class. This was before "bullying" was a trendy topic.

The only time I wore a jersey in high school.

2. Freshman year of college, I was insane. There really is no better way to describe my behavior during that time than with these two costumes: one, which was essentially the same as going naked (the fact that I was 2 solid months into the "Freshman 15" didn't seem to matter at the time), and the other, which required me wearing a tutu and carrying a whip around all night (it was confiscated by a bouncer, and I cried). So weird, but my boyfriend at the time wasn't thrilled with any of this. Square. 

Absolutely Not.

3. The first semester of my sophomore year, I was pledging a business fraternity (I know, right?) and they made us wake up at 7am on Halloween morning to go on a scavenger hunt throughout DC. I was clearly still drunk from the night before when I put on this monstrosity (which was basically every animal-print article of clothing I owned), and was forced to start drinking candy corn flavored Burnetts vodka before sunrise. It was a really, really fun day, except for when I was doing "metro acrobatics" (one of the items on the scavenger hunt list) and fell out of my cool pose flat onto my head. I had to get a concussion test from a doctor while all my pledge brothers (not kidding. it was a thing. I was pledge president) watched. The doctor said I was totally fine, but only because I had that horrific hat on to protect me. Here I am posing with the T-Rex at the museum of natural history, because that seemed like an appropriate place for a drunk 19-year-old with a weird costume and a minor concussion. 

This is my Tinder picture

4. That same year, my best friend dressed up as ME. Her Outfit: High School Billy's baseball sweatshirt, the Tutu I wore on the first night of college that earned me the nickname "tutu girl," A pair of JUICY COUTURE knee socks, a Moses Brown baseball hat, and a TON of glitzy necklaces. I wore lingerie and animal ears, and called myself the "Energizer Bunny."

Cool middle fingers, Zo.

5. My first year in the city, when I worked for Glamour, I was tasked for finding a Wonder Woman costume for a photo shoot. I ended up having to get the thing specially made by some woman I found on Craigslist, and as a thank you for my efforts they let me keep it.  It's only on this list because I think I look awesome in it. Worth Nothing: this was one of the years I got back together with an ex (who is not, contrary to confusion, the stranger in this picture). 

I think I thought Batman was Wonder Woman's sidekick when I started hugging this stranger and demanding we take a heavily filtered Instagram pic.

6. Last year, I decided I was too old to pull of slutty Halloween anymore, and
went a completely different route: I went as a fat cloud. I spent an hour stuffing a trash bag with $70 worth of cotton balls (I went the DIY route so I wouldn't have to spend money on a costume — jokes on me I guess). The trash bag ripped on the way out the door and I spent the rest of the night leaking cotton ALL over Manhattan. The people who hosted the apartment party I went to were not thrilled with me. ("no you guys! it definitely wasn't me who left cotton balls everywhere!" was apparently not a convincing argument.) This was also a year when I got back together with an ex, which is.... confusing. Thanks, Jello Shots. Needless to say, I've come a long way since I went as a naked "Girls Gone Wild" girl 6 years ago. 

Facepaint apparently makes my cheeks look even BIGGER.
Who knew THAT was possible?! (also look how long my hair was.)

I have NO idea what I'm being this year, and no plan for Halloween because I can't afford the $90 one-hour open bar at The Dream Hotel. If anyone has any ideas for either of these things, text me. 

This wasn't even Halloween. This was summer camp.